Borrowed

🌱 This post is in the growth phase. It may still be useful as it grows up.

I have this conversation with Mom a lot these days:

Mom: Remember that time we saw the premiere of the Ninja Turtles movie? Me: It doesn’t come to mind. Mom: Wow, you spend your whole life making your kid’s dreams come true and they can’t even remember.

This year I realized how physically present she was in my life, without making an impact.
She was always there, I just don’t remember her.

Because she kept her skin intact, safely out of the game.

By her own identification, she is a spectator.
And most moments with her feel like she’s an observer in a borrowed conversation.
Present or not, the conversation wouldn’t demonstrably change.
And maintaining access was her only goal.

I’m like her in many ways.
It’s hard to say what I want.
I’m concerned about losing access.
It’s hard to hold fast to any conviction I have.
And it’s easier to hold back than try and risk losing.

And that’s not what I want.
I want to have gravity.
I want people to remember I was there.
I want to own the moment.