Every couple months, I have to "descale" the espresso machine.
Apparently boiling water creates limescale. And, after a period of use, limescale deposits must be chemically removed. If not, they'll build up until all waterways are blocked.
Today, as I spent on hour descaling the machine, I realized that I've let my life get blocked. I stopped producing React Podcast, I've stopped writing here, and I have a small course — nearly done — that I just can't seem to share.
Overnight, the limescale in my life — work politics, illness, injuries, relational hurts, Trump, COVID, inequality and injustice, money — built up to a point where I can't push anything thru me.
And it didn't happen overnight. Like the espresso machine, I let the buildup go unchecked. I broke me by using me without supporting me. I pushed thru — pressed on — knowing I was headed toward a block.
As time has gone on, and I've shared less and less, I feel the pressure to make an account for my time. Maybe a big announcement, a change, anything to communicate "Look at me, I was being productively unproductive." But the truth is, I just stopped working. I played video games. I stared at my ceiling. I let texts go unread. I worried constantly about dying and wondered why we're alive at all. And I honestly don't know if it was time well spent.
I've been here before, and I'm afraid to start doing the work again. Because living well is hard work. But I want to get back in it. So, it's time to descale the machine of me.